places of remembering
October 11th, 2024 end of our first session YLSI, Joshua Tree National Park
Sunday, October 13th
notes in my journal
Home. Waking early and I am struck by how quickly I return to an old habit of waking with thoughts of my children. Curious that I did not think of them when I woke in my tent to prepare for our pre-dawn wanders. My biggest challenge in meeting this new one of me, this one beyond how I know myself best in my home as a mother to these to two young adults. Notice this. And love this one of me here now and remember the one who buried her broken heart with a polished moonstone in the nighttime desert. This one of me who found the courage to walk out of the desert alone on a new path and into the night following our trance dance under the northern lights. This one of me who became so disoriented, who tried to walk in the dim moonlight until realizing I had become lost…I seemed to be in the wrong wash, too far down the road, casting about with my red light, then white light, then red. An hour goes by. Where am I? Actually, where the fuck am I? What is that rustling in the bush? Am I in any danger? Did I wait too long to begin this year long journey? Am I too old? I feel embarrassed and unprepared and arrogant thinking I could easily walk back and up the wash and find my way back to camp. Especially after moving in a drumming dance trance under these beloved skies, witnessed by these precious allies? What the fuck! Is this the way? Should I go back to the road? Have I gone too far? I seem to be headed to the visitor center? Perhaps I should just sleep here tonight and wait for daylight.
This path is unfamiliar, this path of remembering.
Wait, is that a red light, anothers’ headlamp? Why does it keep going on and off. I’m beginning to feel frustrated and angry, scared, sad, tears come. I can sleep here tonight, I have what I need but I then remember Dark Prophet saying that if we are not gathered with the group at 5:30 a.m. we will be considered lost. Do I blow my whistle now or do I blow my whistle at 5:30? Protectors are looming! I don’t want to be a disruption to the group, to cause a stir, a commotion, the one who needs help! No not me, I am not one who needs help.! So I call out, RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! ! It goes on then off, I begin to walk towards it and the red light disappears again. I begin to think I am seeing things. Clearly they don’t see me or are they fooling around? Another protector shows up….you can’t count on anyone but yourself! Do I continue walking this direction even though the red light has disappeared? I decide to try and send a message, turning on my white lamp three times, on and off. I wait, becoming more and more uncertain what I should do. Then, in that same distance ~ the opposite direction from where I think I should be headed, where I think our camp is located, another red light and a dim voice;
ARE YOU LOST?
YES! I AM!
WALK THIS WAY TOWARDS MY LIGHT!!
So I do, quickly. It’s some distance away and as I approach I wonder, is this an ally? Either way it’s a contact and I’ll find my way back. I say as I get closer to the darkened figure with the red light; “are you one of my people?” I shine my light as I get closer, it’s Dreaming Salamander. I give him the biggest hug of relief as he says, it wasn’t me, it was Julia, Broken Bone. She’s been tracking you as you wandered and wondered if you were lost as your movements were so meandering and back and forth. I look towards Broken Bone to thank her and see that we are all up on the rise above the campground to the west near the wash.
I am moving in the west, to the west of my familiar and I am safe and my people are here to greet me.